Wednesday, August 17, 2005

what to think...

its hard to imagine life without my husband. when i think about it i get really scared and insecure. i know that i am a strong woman who could take on challenges but the comfort and love i have often makes me feel lost. after 15 years of being together one would think that there is a feeling of security, but sometimes i don't have that security blanket. i feel that i am not offering my husband what he needs to be happy therefore he turns to other things for that. how can i get over it and deal with this like an adult without sounding like a parent? i wish i knew. how come he can't think rationally about this? i guess what i am really asking is what can the computer offer that i can't? i know many people feel the same way i do, i just don't know how they get through it. we have two kids, boys at that. what kind of example is he setting? what does he say about relationships, love and the reality of it. i am so afraid that he is normalizing this in his boys eyes. internet porn/disgust is not reality. is this one of the many challenges i face because his dad was not around to be a good example? many times i get sooo mad at his dad for the lack of parenting and how it trickles down but at the same time my husband is an adult and needs to be accountable for his actions. he knows right from wrong! well i hope to work this out. i am not saying that i am going to leave my husband but in many ways i feel as though he's not here.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

slowly but surely.......

so it's been a while since my last post. still feels weird writing my thoughts down for others to view. i really need to forget that portion of it then maybe i can open up a little more.

so friday i went to the beach with my mother in law, father in law, two kids and a boy i watch during the day. i was quite relieved when i found out that my father in law would go in the water with the kids. our beaches are so dirty and ugly, not to mention that it was quite cold at 11:00 in the morning. we stayed for about an hour then proceeded to a mexican restaurant for lunch. it was fun! just glad its over :)

every day i check my nieces blogs to gain insight on them. they amaze me so. i can actually say that they have inspired me in so many ways. like today for instance, i bought a book at Target to read while on vacation. now i am not an avid reader. I enjoy reading self help and medical stuff, so my goal this vacation is to finish the book. we shall see how that goes.

6 more days till vacation! who's counting huh? my family needs this break so bad. we have had a full house for years. kids coming and going, all sizes and ages. i just want to sit back and relax on the beach with a pina colada in one hand and a book in the other. this is a definite challenge for me. i can't sit still very long without going crazy thinking there is something i should be doing. one of my many faults. time to clean up after dinner!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

oh my aching back

today marks my first day of physical therapy. i was quite impressed with it i must say. we started out by putting me in traction followed by ultrasound and then stretches. i sure hope this helps. i am not one to take pills regularly and if this treatment can take the place of the pills i will be very happy. this problem has been going on for almost a year now and then it just got exaccerbated with the car accident. i am really going to try to prevent futher injury. it sure has helped not having the babies daily.

i don't know about others but i have two boys (11 and 5). they fight all of the time. is this normal i ask? i am pretty sure it is. afterall i have 3 sisters and a younger brother and we fought all of the time too. but today started off a little different. matthew (the oldest) has been laying down with trevor at night. this a.m. when i woke up i went in to see them and well lets just say a picture doesn't lie. mornings like this make be very proud.

Monday, August 08, 2005

vroom vroom

well guess what? last night i traded in my old car in for a newer one! YEAH!!!!!!!! i can't even say how happy this had made me. i have needed a newer one that would seat at least 6 and it just worked out perfectly. my mom says i am spoiled, my brother says he jealous and my husband just wants to know when he can get a new one. ha ha! i ended up with a 2002 ford explorer xlt. it's black with gray leather interior. i think i deserve it! so after running errands this a.m. with the kids i come home to find both trucks parked on the stree with tickets on them. YUCK! today is street sweeping and my husband was fast asleep. at $30.50 each that makes for an expensive slumber. hopefully this isn't some afwul sign of things to come.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

its my turn

well now its my turn to start my own blog. i guess its what everyone is doing so i must keep up, right? my goals are simple, 1. write everyday 2. be creative 3. enjoy doing so

until tomorrow.....